Marriage
My thoughts on Marriage
Introduction
I am one of the rare individuals in modern society who still wishes to only have a physical relationship with someone I marry. This is for ethical reasons, the advantages it has spiritually and mentally on you, and its societal benefits as well as its imposition by my religion. In this article I want to highlight my thoughts regarding this enterprise which I have yet to partake in, as I am still searching for my future spouse (may God Almighty give me patience until the day I marry her).
Why Marriage?
The first question one can ask is why get married at all. First and foremost I believe it is natural for any individual to wish to find a partner with whom to share, not only in physical intimacy, but more importantly someone with whom to share your aspirations, goals, and on whom you can count.
Now of course this isn’t to say that friends or family cannot full-fill these wants and needs, however if you should wish for someone to full-fill them, it would be your spouse.
A regular romantic relationship, without marriage is fickle, built on nothing but attraction most of the time, and bound to fail, and to cause heartache in the long run.
The faults of non-marital romantic relationships
Any relationship that isn’t in wedlock, is fundamentally unstable, this is not to say that marriages cannot fail and cause pain of course, but they lie on much stronger ground than any other relationship. The fact that people are hurt through divorce much more than through regular breakups is a testament to the engagement a marriage represents: a spouse is not a girlfriend/boyfriend. A spouse shares your finances, at least partly, you have responsibilities towards each other, and you more often then not bear children whom share both your bloods.
Many men today fear marriage, and for two main reasons, the first is idiotic, perverted and unhealthy, the second is sensible, understandable, but solvable. The first of course is because men like to use women for their bodies, and like to have the fun of pleasuring themselves with a woman, and having the attention she gives them, all whilst not making any engagements to her, and leaving her in the very real possibility of becoming pregnant. The second is because some men work all of their lives, and after a divorce, half of what they made in a lifetime is gone. The solution of course to the second problem is a prenuptial agreement, and though the legal methods of doing this vary from country to country, it is almost always a possibility. I as a Muslim for instance, do not plan to share my wealth with my wife 50/50. Before marrying her I owe her a dowry, then whilst married it is my obligation and responsibility to provide for her and the children, and it is not at all hers. If she decides to divorce, then I am still responsible for taking care of the children, providing for them and feeding them, but not her, she is now on her own, or more likely, funded and fed by her siblings or father, or new husband of course, same goes if I decide to divorce, the only difference is that if she initiates the divorce, then she must give me back her dowry.
The societal issues with lack of marriage
Beyond the personal benefits of having a solid and stable relationship, the benefits of marriage societally are remarkable. Whilst people claim there was a lot of pain before due to “arranged marriages”, even then, people were much happier on average than today. Kids succeeded much more, there were less abortions, less single-parent households, and less sexual-abuse crime.
If marriage was a prerequisite for sex, then playboys would have very little to do, and wouldn’t be knocking up many women. If it was a prerequisite for sex, then if you accidentally got pregnant, you still had a husband there to provide for you as a woman.
What kind of spouse to look for
This is a question of importance then, if you are to be with one person for the rest of your life, it better be the right choice. This is actually also a benefit of marriage which is that people are much warier and will have higher standards for a spouse than for a girlfriend/boyfriend.
You should first and foremost look for someone you share morals and ideals with. This means that dates should consist of more important questions than star signs, and favourite sports teams, and more on religion, expectations for the roles you want to play in your relationship, and what you want to do in your life.
This goes on to the second point, which is find someone whose life is compatible with yours: This is a very important factor because it is the reason for the breakup of many relationships wherein people have not asked the important questions before becoming attached, and this leads to pain down the line. This includes anything from if you want children, where you wish to live, how close to each-others' families, and how you imagine the relational dynamic.
Next point is, have something to talk about. If you bore each other, or you are unable to communicate well, or you are interested in fundamentally different things and have nothing to share, then it is going to be a very tiring and lonely life ahead. This also goes into the level of education or the intelligence of the person you are considering as a spouse.
Check for politeness (with you and with others), check who their friends are, what their relationship with their family is like, what their hobbies are, what their work ethic is like, check how stable they are mentally, are they depressed, anxious or narcissistic?. All of this is information which is not very difficult to come by, and is extremely valuable, to prevent “surprises” later on.
Final point is aesthetics, note that all these points are fundamental, and none is to see as unimportant, they are not ordered. By aesthetics I mean more than simply raw attraction. First and foremost this attraction can be purely for the body, it can be for the personality as well, for the sight, smell, sound of voice or whatever else. It is however important that you feel something for the other, even if your body isn’t burning with passion just yet. These aesthetics also mean the attitude, the culture, or social status. How the person dresses, eats, and moves.
If everyone checked to have all of the above criteria respected and met before committing physically to a relationship, then it would be easy to get married, and start a life with the person with relatively little fear of what may arise in the future.
What about you?
That’s the question of course. When looking at all these criteria, if ever you notice yourself lacking in any of them, then maybe think about solving them before getting married. Indeed if you yourself do not see you as worthy of being married, if you as the other sex wouldn’t get married with you, then perhaps you should work on yourself first. This isn’t to say you must be perfect to get married, or that you’ll be
complete before then and no longer need to work on yourself during marriage, far from it.
But if you have serious mental issues, if as a man you are unable to provide even for yourself, if you are too immature to control your impulses, or you are lazy and incompetent, then that needs to be addressed much more urgently than finding a spouse.
May God give us all loving, respecting and respectable, hard-working and faithful spouses. May he make marriage easy, and may he grant us all children. Ameen.